Lance Armstrong Could Probably Beat the Werewolves

Amazing interview with Shep Smith where he starts asking these politicians if they think Lance Armstrong was on "V."

BEEN THERE, DONE THAT

A little Walking Dead tribute to start the week off.

I almost wanted to give this episode the True Death after that brutal opening scene where the Authority bickered about what to do with Eric and Bill like a bunch of amateurs while the two subjects of conversation were still in the room. Send them back to their cells for Christ's sake or at least ask them to "ear muff"it. Why show a divided front in front of two such dangerous adversaries who could potentially use such differences to pit you against each other. That was some weak sauce-stin powers bullsh-t right der. I half expected Scott and Dr. Evil to chime in.

Roman quickly salvaged the scene though by spouting off some knowledge about how suffering does not cure an appetite for power it exacerbates it. (Side note: His foot soldiers def. are vampires going back to the season opener...those ropes were totally superfluous on the docks.)


Let me be the first to say I could not be more disappointed with the new Nan Flannigan. Reverend Birdcage? Dayum! I guess our days of seeing the American Vampire League's spokesman getting mic checks by russian proskies in the back seats of limos whilst addressing the media are over. Now we're stuck with Newlin. I did like his line about how humans are motivated by fear and are willing to believe just about anything they want to hear like how Elvis was spotted buying turkey jerky in a 7-Eleven in Yakima last Thursday.  Roman has him on a short leash for now though knowing all too well what it was like to be a new vampire wanting nothing more than to feed, fu-k and kill.

With Salome twisting everything with a set of fangs, maybe Roman wanted one less gun in his arsenal that shoots straight. Do you think he is her maker? Regardless, he didn't seem to mind her twisting out both Eric and Bill though did he? All part of the show folks, I guess. He did call her his secret weapon so there is much more to their relationship to be revealed.

And how about the two take down scenes orchestrated by Roman's weapon of mass seduction?  Poor Bill got the boiler room shag like he was Kit Deluca still turning tricks on the street while Eric got the penthouse suite play date a La Vivian Ward. Bill had the last laugh though didn't he as he teased Eric about getting his sloppy seconds?

Perhaps the best scenes this week were those which showed us how Bill and Eric first met. Eric came calling on Pam and as they walked in on Bill and Lorena we saw that it was the two of them who Pam had cursed last week when she walked in to find one of her girls drained and damned "them."

The chemistry between Eric and Pam was evident even in their earliest moments together, as he could not hold back a grin as she demanded $500 for each girl Bill and his maker sucked dry, essentially draining them right back financially.

Pam was intoxicated with not only Eric's looks, but the life he lived and went to extremes to force his hand to turn her. She wanted Eric to help her fill her empty life with meaning as the life of an aging madam did not appeal to her.

Speaking of voids being filled, we met the woman who like the title and theme of this episode focussed on, made him who he is. Ms. Stealer (Melinda Page Hamilton a.k.a. Anna Draper) was very appropriately named as she was the one who sort of stole Jason's innocence, at the time I'm guessing following the death of he and Sookie's parents, when he was feeling empty inside.

She taught Jason how to use sex to cope with any obstacle life would throw at him. Got a problem? Fuk you lay me. My grandma was killed by a vampire...fuk you lay me. I'm addicted to V and was gang raped by my shifter girlfriend and her entire family? Fuk you lay me.

This revelation paved the way for one of the best interactions between Jason and Jessica. I can't believe I ever would applaud a scene where Jason turned down a chance to play thunder hips with big Red but I loved how she went from licking his ear to letting him bend hers about what it was that was bothering him, although even if she went and put on Pam's dirt soaked Wall-Mart sweat suit caked with Tara's blood I would have had a hard time staying...well, not hard.

With Jason, the mechanical bull ride, temporarily out of order, Jessica should have plenty of time to go after what appeared to be a sort of European fairy pimp who was picking up some supplies for his "sisters."

Shannon Osbourne cracked Eric's sister and got her to confess to being a part of the Sanguista Movement. Loved the back and forth where Sharon told her "in Texas honey of you find yourself in a hole the first thing you do is stop digging." Followed by Nora writhing with pain and spitting back, "As we say in Surrey, sod the fuk off you cunting twat!"

I gotta admit, Sharon sort of grew on me during this scene, especially after she mentioned to Nora how she wouldn't ever pass on a chance to take a bite out of her Sheriff/King vampire manwich.

One of the best cameos so far this season was the appearance of Tina Majorino as the Authority's tech geek who fitted Eric and Bill with the cleverly named iStakes and surprised them when she revealed that there was indeed an app for administering the true death remotely. Let's just hope she doesn't have a bad temper and get trigger happy after getting hot with a lengthly triple word score on Words With Friends or something, because like she said, Eric and Bill are too cute to be goo.



To close out the week, here are a few pros and cons from the episode I noted.

Pro: Salome telling Bill his "rise" has been quite impressive followed by zoom to through the pants vampire sex.

Con: Her sharing with Bill the story of her fukked up family and her mother her gift wrapped her to be raped by her perving uncle.

Pro: Sookie going street-fighter on Pam and winning round one with a massive Hadoken to dome. Then Pam showing her vintage gift with words and telling her patrons to continue dry humping each other or buy some more of her overpriced drinks or to just get the fuk out. (And how about those text messaging skills?!?!)

 

Con: Hoyt in a mesh shirt and guy-liner.

Pro: Eric and Pam's flashback showing how they fell in love, the memory of which forces a single tear of blood to run down the side of sleeping Pam's cheek in what was a very touching moment.

Con: Pam's stable of whores longingly watching Eric smooth talk their boss, lip herp sore and all.

Pro: Lafa back in the kitchen cookin' up good food and better one liners like "these beans is colder than titties in a brass bra."
Con: The return of his brujo face followed by him channeling Big Love's Wanda and trying to put Draino in the gumbo.

Pro: Sookie came clean and owned up to offing Debbie to Alcide.
Con: Alcide fought off the urge to wolf out on her and basically abjure her too. Prob went and crushed a few sixers of Blue Moon.

Con: Tara trying to commit suicide by tanning bed.

Pro: Pam finally being forced to adhere to her responsibilities as a maker.

Pro: Ms. Stealer offering Jason a chilled drink from the half box of wine she had in her fridge.

Con: Jason's earliest sexual memory now clouded in shame instead of celebrating it like he previously had. A wise man, Dirk Diggler once said, "Everyone's given one special thing." You deserve to be a star Jason, a big bright shining star.

Whew, that was a lot to clean off my plate, but I still have plenty of room for your comments. Let em rip and don't get distracted!

Death From Above

Just ask Kate Bosworth how tall he is. I bet she "gets that" a lot.

Respect My Authoritah!

So Tara emerged from the ground with a bot of a 'tude. Pam wasn't exactly the most committed maker was she. Was like she was channeling her inner Cromartie. Finally she caved to Sookie's pleading and told T to not bite her or Lafa and to "Stay in the house!" Something about the way she ordered around Tara at that moment reminded me of Cam'Ron's Hey Ma..."get in the car and don't touch nothin' Sit in the car."   

Did Tara remind anyone else of the Predator as she was perched up on the sink in Sook's house? And why the hell was Lafa the one to go get the True Blood out of the fridge? Sookie is the one who can blast fools like Ryu in Street Fighter. Did Lafa really think the collar on his cardigan was going to protect him?

 

 Speaking of lookalikes, how gnarly is Marcus's mom? She looks like the lost sister of Ozzy Osbourne.

Alcide is really starting to flex his character muscles. I am such a bigger fan of his not that he isn't so Sookie-whipped in every scene. P.S. Alcide, you need to forget her and get involved with Rikki Rikki Rembo No Sa Rembo. She was looking to split a porterhouse for two a la Marcus's corpse.
In the shifter camp, I'm on team Luna. I felt like Sam was trying to send off her daughter to supernatural summer camp so he could get some one on one time with his sexy shifter B. Can't blame him for trying but Luna is too devoted a mother even if she is a wolf.

Scene of the week may have been the police cruiser convo between Jason and Andy.

Loved the look on Andy's face when Jason poured out the V.

And then there was the disgruntled son of "Crazy Sharon." Jason is taking a long hard look at himself in the mirror and does not like what he sees (Contrary to the majority of women in the world).

He has long wanted his legacy to be something other than Bon Temps Bangmaster Flex. From the sound of it, it hasn't been that hard to get a ticket to Jason's Bangmaster Flex Nights. Him standing there in the police station with his little juice box was a subtle nod to his child like demeanor. He still has a lot of growing up to do.

Reverend Newlin still wanted to give Jason a "grown up" and was willing to pay off Jessica to make it so. How much would you sell Jason for, or would it be too "hard" to ever relinquish? I guess it seems like I'm appealing to our lady readers here, but I'm sure we will get some answers from across the board from those with healthy mancrushes.

Poor Rev...I guess for now he will just have to go on beating the Bishop.

Don't want to spend too much time on the Terry storyline still but things could heat up as they go after their old war buddy who apparently likes to "jerk off to house fires."
We don't need no water let the mother fukker burn...but can u pass the tissues?





On to the "Authoritah".

When they dragged Bill back in after being tortured did it remind anyone else of Han Solo after Vader put him through shock therapy?

I love the history and genesis of the vampire being brought to light. I did find myself poking fun at them though like when Sharon Osbourne's lookalike wanted Eric and Bill sent to the glue factory like Barbaro, or after Vampire Bieber's outburst and subsequent shushing by Roman. Has got to suck being like a thousand years old and treated like a child because that's was the age you were turned. I did like Xerxes's messenger chiming in with his support for our boys.
The scene where Roman gave communion to the members of the Authority was so intense and well done. Eric's look of utter indifference throughout the entire scene was vintage viking.
P.S. was anyone else expecting the eyes in this picture to move like in Scooby Doo?

We finally got to see how Pam and Eric met! As great as that was I equally enjoyed seeing her in her element as a madam too. Good to see her job at Fangtasia wasn't that much of a stretch for her professionally.


So sorry for the delay in getting this out to you all. So much to discuss and I'm sure I left some stuff out. Just found myself a little more jammed on time than usual this week so sorry for the rough appearance at times of this recap. Like I have no idea why the font changes half way through.
 As this blog's maker though I command you to add your comments straight away or face the true death. 

Stake Tuned...

 Episode 2's recap will be out tomorrow at the latest. Just got a late start watching it this weekend.

Fu-k Like a Champion today

Great Godric's ghost where to begin. Welcome back blood fans! Season 5 kicked off with a bang, or in the case of Eric and Nora a "bang bang bang bang!!!" I always was the type to go right to the bottom of the cereal box to find the toy, so lets not waste any time getting to what we all know was the best part of the episode.
The University of West Virginia had drafted a letter asking Eric Northman to be it's commencement speaker after seeing him cavort with his sister but has since recanted the invite after they learned as we did that the two are not of "blood" relation in the normal incestuous sense but rather are bonded by the same maker. While said revelation did make enjoying the shipping container twistfest less creepy and negating the need of a post view shower, I don't think anyone really would have covered their eyes even if it had remained taboo like we initially were lead to believe.

Much has been written in the off-season about the budding bromance between Eric and Bill. While the appearance of Nora certainly put a temporary halt to any potential games of tummy sticks, there definitely were signs of said mancrushing in the premier.

 

There just was so much to love about this whole scene including the coitus interruptus caused by Eric's phone and his subsequent words with the critical Nora.

One of my favorite scenes was when Bill and Eric were handed their new identities. Ike Tannenbaum was about as good a fit as Todd Wilkonson was for Vinnie Antonelli in My Blue Heaven. 

One point of contention I had though was with the following scene where the Authority came storming in. Did the guys who were able to smoke the surrounding dissenters like the Predator did Mac really need ropes to rappel down to the dock? I'm assuming these guys were all vampires. If I was mistaken then yes ropes were definitely a good call fellas.

Moving on to the second potential sword fight of the night, Reverend Newlin wasn't doing the church's reputation any favors, shows up at Jason's door and attempting to glamor his way through the back door of Jason's stacked house. Jason was amazing as usual with lines like the one about fangs being twin hard ons for trouble and feeding on somebody. If Jason playing altar boy was what it took to produce Jessica in her red cape than so be it. I'd expect Jason to take communion six days a week and twice on Sunday.

Let's stick with "Girlfriend Fukker" and his lady of the night while we're on the subject. So Jessica becomes head of Bill's no malice palace and dialed up some coeds for a little game of Rock Band. "Delta Delta Delta, can I helpya helpya helpya?"

"Yeah this is Jessica Hamby the red headed vampire you met the other night at your Pimp's and Ho's party. Why don't you round up a few of your most morally devoid sisters and a few of your leading date rapists guy friends and come on over to my house for some underage drinking and video games."

While I wasn't the biggest fan of the green streak in D.A. Woll's hair, I would have played the wireless Fender Stratocaster till my fingers bled if it meant getting to watch her dance in front of the TV like that.

While I couldn't take my eyes off Miss Hamby, Sam had a little case of the wandering eye as well while being threatened by the curvaceous she wolf Rikki. It was very subtle but he def snuck a peak at her full moons while she accused him of killing Marcus.

While the shifters were shedding their clothes, poor Pam was taking one for the team and donning a Walmart sweatsuit adorned with kittens and flowers. There is no limit to what she will do to get Eric back. 

Hopefully we will get our sexy Pam-cakes back in upcoming weeks. I think I would let our own Laffa Brown bury me next to a dead chick if it meant we get to see a little three way action between Pam, Eric and Nora at some point.

The real Lafayette though has had it with all the supernatural B.S. apparently. So much so that he stared down Alcide when he growled at him. He was carrying around that bottle of tequila like Jesus's D was at it's bottom instead of the worm.

He may have thought better of getting in the face of the big bad wolf had he caught our boy's off season work outs.

I'm not into the crazy Terry storyline in the least bit right now and I hope for god's sake that we have seen the last of Sheriff Andy's backside.

Line of the episode should be no surprise as this week's recap title was taken from it.

Eric: We fight like siblings, but we fuk like champions. 

Fail of the week: Jason not taking down Cammy the coed with the slammin' body.

Regrettable Scene: Sookie still has not learned how to cry convincingly. If I was Tara I would have stayed under the dirt too instead of waking up and having to listen to that squalling.

So much to look forward to. I think it will be interesting to see how Tara's relationship with Sookie changes and also what happens when Pam takes up her role as maker.

The emergence of the Authority as a major storyline is going to be awesome. The previews of Christopher Meloni have intrigued me since they were first released.

That's it for me this week. I am gushing with anticipation to read your comments.

Special Thanks to: @tempella, @I'mHereforSookie and @vikingpunk for their amazing contributions to the True Blood fan art community.