Who You Callin A Bitch

U.N.I.T.Y.

And Your Little Dog Too

We know next season will focus a lot on witches but Entertainment Weekly has provided us with the following casting notices that will introduce some new faces. The series is looking for actors/actresses to fill the following roles:

Marnie: A pretend palm reader who gets possessed by the spirit of a real witch.

Portia: Andy’s sister, a very pretty lawyer. Likely to get naked a lot.

Naomi: An Asian-American, lesbian cage fighter.

Queen Mab: A temper-filled beauty who presides over a fairy/fantasy world.

Suzanne McKittrick: A spoiled, Real Housewives-type who is rumored to be a Shapeshifter

Good Set Up? Or Bad Let Down?

"Forgiveness is love, love is all." -Godric

Let's remember these words of wisdom before we cast too harsh a critique of this season's finale. Yes there was a lot going on. Alan B led us down many a path this season so he had to make sure he wrapped up as many story lines as he could to open slots for new ones in the next season.

So Godric is back looking like he just got home from Diddy's White Party appearing like Obi Wan Ben Kenobi did to Luke in the Dagaba System. He lets Eric and us know that apparently the sign in the opening credits which reads "God Hates Fangs," is wrong. He contends that peace awaits everyone in the afterlife including vampires like Russell so long as we can forgive those who have trespassed against us. This does not jive for our Viking prince.
Sookie is dreaming about fairy land before Bill brings her back after a healthy dose of V no doubt. Apparently V's healing powers do not extend to acne though. Time for Proactive Sook.
She saves Eric and at Eric's behest she also drags in Russell. As she is leaving the bar to go get him, Eric and Bill get their hair up at one another and show fangs like two alley cats fighting over an empty can of tuna. Sookie took the words out of my mouth when she sighed "Oh for the love of god."
True Blood looked like they were filming an episode of CSI with all the rubber gloves being passes around. It was good attention to detail though when Pam puts on them on to remove the silver hand cuffs from Eric's wrist. We also saw Bill sneakily put a pair into his pocket which we later uses while pushing Eric into the hole at the construction site.
Side note I loved the TV interview in the background featuring Steve from the Light of Day and Nan. "Was it the right wing that ripped a guys spine out on TV?!?!"
Love how he keeps popping up. Sure to see more of him and Nan next season as politics apparently come into play more.
Pam does not approve of Eric letting Russell live and instead implores him to "rip off his fuking head!" That's my girl. Russell meanwhile is a mess. He loses his fang. "That's embarrassing." The last thing Eric wants is for Russell to find peace after meeting the true death. He leaves Sookie to watch over him while he goes to ground to ponder his next move.
Russell offers up the world to Sookie for his freedom. He promises to pay her 5 million dollars, to kill Bill and Eric if she chooses and also agrees to give her his house. I think Sookie just wanted to see how desperate he was. Any thought we may have had, that she actually may let him go for the right price gets washed down the drain moments later when she notices the jar of Talbot juice on the bar. She realizes that Russell believes Sookie's blood may be able to bring his beloved back. Not exactly psyched on the idea of being human jumper cables to the undead, Sookie dumps Talbot down the drain while Toasted Almond screams his crispy head off. Sookie looks downright evil here as she laughs in the face of Russell's agony.


Hoyts mom stages an intervention at the work site with the guidance counselor who hides a bottle of Malibu Rum in his desk. Sort of a waste of air time but I guess they thought they needed to set up the scene where Hoyt's mom is shopping for a rifle. Several things to note in that scene by the way. The cardboard cut out of my man in the foreground is classic. Then there's the little girl coloring amidst all the firepower and camouflage. Lastly how Mrs. F can just pick up any rifle of her choosing and pull the trigger like she is testing out a perfume at Saks is madness. Guess that's the South for ya.

Meanwhile Hoyt wants to Marry Jessica. He didn't bother to ask me for my blessing, but he has it anyway. Hoyt shows her the house he got for them. First order of business is to build a "totally tricked out hidie hole" for Jessica he says. Amidst all the young love and bliss though I was left with a knot in my stomach. Something bad is on the horizon for our star crossed lovers. Jessica notes that the house smells weird when she first walks in. Then we see that weird doll, which looks like it was partially burnt, sitting on the floor. Remember Hoyt complained to Jessica once that among her many annoying features, Summer had a weird love of dolls.

Sam finds his safe gone and chases down Tommy. How he finds him that fast is beyond me. I guess he tracked him? Anyway, Tommy breaks down like some after school special and admits he can't read. Well now he can't breathe because Sam guns him down in cold blood like whoa. Again I find myself drawing parallels to "New Jack City." Sam is as much his brother's keeper as Nino Brown was to Gee Money. Keisha...dead. The Duh Duh Man...dead. And now Tommy...dead.
Sam makes some mean a mean breakfast though. It's all about the bacon grease Tara.

Tara with a belly full of bacon grease goes over to her mom's to find out she is getting some hog of her own. Tara walks in on her mom helping Reverend Daniels with his "sermon."
Reminded me of when Goldie Hawn walks in on Wesley Snipes and that girl hooking up on her couch in "Wildcats." "We was uh...sleepin!"
Tara wishes her mom luck and walks out for the last time we have to think. Tara has a lot of toys in her attic as we know and see in her flash backs. After feeling at first like she was going to off herself, I now feel like she might just drive away on us for awhile. Like when Sayid decided to go live on the other side of the island on "LOST." In preparation for her departure she goes home and goes all Whoopi on us. She looked like the dude from the Bud Light Commercial who wears his dog on his head so he can get a bud light. "Hey hey hey...everybody jammin!"
Andy still rocking the cast contemplates taking some V.
What on Earth is he waiting for. And while he's at it can he rub some on Crystal's eye. I am so tired of looking at that shiner.
She's a stunner though compared to the rest of the family up at Hotshot. As Jason notes they got a bunch of people who are in need of a bath, kids who probably aren't in school and "several people who obviously got dental problems."

Sean white brings up the V to "Uncle Daddy," before Felton does him in. Rough road for the people of Hot Shot. First Katrina forces them out of New Orleans, now the DEA is all up in their grille.
Jason goes all Last of the Mohicans telling Crystal, " I will find you...you just stay safe." Uncle!

Laffa goes all Ghetto Boys and calls Jesus in a panic crying "my mind is playing tricks on me." "Hurry up please!"
Jesus we learn in addition to being a nurse who is a dude, is also a witch...and of course a "hooka." He tells Laffa that he needs to teach him about his magic.

Alcide has been helping out Eric in order to settle his dads debts we learn. He also has been dreaming about Sookie. He wants some of that vampire crack. He might want to hold off though because Bill plans to kill everyone who has tasted her blood including the Queen.
Bill double crosses Eric after they send Russell off for a 100 year "nap" in a bed of wet cement. Bill calls Ruben posing as Eric and tells him to kill Pam.








Pam takes him out though and rescues Eric from becoming foundation. She tells Eric what went down after she emerges from just getting out of the shower. Could have used a shot of that to make this episode a touch better. Very little sex appeal to close out the season after so much bare skin leading up to the finale.

Eric appears, still picking the cement out of his hair, to tell Sookie how Bill was originally sent by the Queen to see if she was in fact a fairy. He even allowed for her to get beaten nearly to death so that he could feed her his blood. And oh yeah...he wants his phone back Bill.


I would have thought Bill would have embraced his new found bachelor status and taken a run at the queen. He does but not in the way I was thinking. They square off as Bill has nothing left to lose. He has no one to turn to. It's like he is the new Franklin. Lone vampire for hire.


Everybody plays the fool...but Sookie has gotten taken more times than most. She has had it with vampires and we close out the season with her amongst her own kind who look like the aliens from Cocoon.Could we see the reemergence of Steve Guttenberg as a guest "star" next season?

So there you have it. Another season gone, but a lot of doors left open. Good riddance Tommy. Bye Bye to Tara's crazy mom, Talbot and Russell. Will Jason reunite with Crystal? Will he get that one dude from Hot Shot's teeth capped? Will he stop Kitch from breaking his record? What becomes of Bill? Does Eric take Fangtasia national and open up some chains? We will have to see, but Alan Ball did come on after the credits to thank all us fans for a great season and tells us to expect some witches and some new supernatural creatures in the upcoming year.

It's been a great ride with you all this season and I look forward as always to your thoughts as they never fail to amaze. They make all the time I spend on these recaps worth it.

BOYZ N The BLOOD

We are mere days away from the finale and I know my man Bill C.O.M.P.T.O.N. is strapped and ready. Time to see who the Real Muthafukkin V's are.

BYE WEEK

Joe Manganiello spent the weekend before the finale basking in the love Boston fans showed him at the Second Annual True Blood Party at Estate. Our man Alcide brought his model girlfriend Audra Marie to the party where he along with Rutina Wesley were greeted by over 300 screaming fans. Sounds like Manganiello liked Boston but made it clear he is a New Yorker first and foremost.

IN DA CLUB

Go, go, go, go go, go, go, Terry
It’s not your baby.
So don’t party like it’s your baby.
Arlene’s gonna sip Wiccan juice to kill her baby.
And you know she don’t give a fuk about Rene’s baby!
Bill you can find Sookie in the Club. Bottle of True Blood mama
Jesus got the V and is into takin drugs
Lafayette’s into having sex, but he ain’t into makin goblin love
Tarah tells Sam come give me a hug, it’s time we got into getting rubbed.

Gotta say that I was very underwhelmed with this week's episode. There was enough to save it from being a total bomb but barely.
Loved when Yvetta comes to free Sookie. Sookie says she thought Yvetta was on Eric's team to which she says "Him? Big blonde stupid I hate him!"
Who would have guessed she was a cardiologist. Apparently the medical boards are true false in her country because a smarter person would know that stealing the money was a bad idea. No doubt they have exchanged blood, so Eric and Pam should be able to track her down no problem.

Jessica surely won't have to worry about losing Hoyt as she feeds on him and all his V enhanced muscles. She tells him she is into human blood and isn't going to change. Hoyt offers himself up and a pretty hot scene ensued. Summer did everything she could to lure him in, including showing him her "best underwear." Maxine, Hoyt's mom, still seems hell bent on taking Jessica down. Next week our girl is going to have to fight for her life it looks like.

Someone needs to tell Arlene you don’t cast and reel in a line when you have a bobber on. She talks to her mom in her dream state but still has the little critter growing inside of her. Was interesting to note how Holly poured out the ring of salt to protect them, much like Laffa’s ancestor did to keep from having to share her bed with her master.

Andy tells Tara he "used to drink hot sauce right out of the bottle...that was a good time."Tara tells him she knows about Eggs, but I think she also sees that Andy really was torn up about not being able to stop Jason from shooting him. He tells her that Jason didn't know what was going on and was just trying to do the right thing.


Holly took the salt, but Tara had no problem taking down shot after shot of Tequila, even after Sam tells her to go home. Sam calls Terry a shell shocked mother fuker and all of a sudden sounds a lot like Tommy. Tommy says Sam is nothing but Joe Lee in a Sam suit. That was pretty good. But then later on while his brother and Tara are getting reacquainted we see Tommy breaking into Sam's safe. Guess we now know what he stole when we saw him flying out of Sam's office window in the shape of an owl.

Jason is also getting robbed, of his high school records, by a V using cheat. I knew this was going to come ou. I had a feeling back when Jason caught him and Tammy twisting in Merlotte's parking lot. Kitch's coach gets him the V and his parents are paying for it. NO DOPE, NO GLORY he tells Jason.
I can't stand watching uncoordinated actors playing athletes on screen. I guess if you are on V you only need to do the old one step drop, yell "Huyyt" over and over and throw like a 5 year old. Watching Kitch throw was as brutal as watching Tom Cruise throw a baseball in War of the Worlds. I know know why my friend who is an actor lists "running" as a skill on his resume.
The only thing saving this scene was the amazing Tammy. I would sit and watch her try on outfits all day if she let me.


Jason realizes that maybe dating a werepanther isn't that much worse than dating a shoplifter. Bad news is he probably will have to invite Crystal's double cousin Buford to the wedding. After learning he was the one Jason saw chewing on the deer carcass, I'm pretty sure he isn't going to be satisfied with the "Chipper Chicken" Franc.




Lastly Eric convinces Russel to make a deal. They agree to call their thousand year blood grudge a draw and Eric will show him how to walk in the sun. They both feed on Sookie and after seeing Eric on the security camera he is so excited he tells Pam he feels like a child. I feel like Russel had the brains of a child falling for this trap. The whole scene where Eric tells Bill to punch him was pretty hackneyed. The plan was solid, but the execution was poor. I was shocked to see Russel fall for it, but then I recalled that he has been toting around a jar full of Talbot soup and taking it to museums. So...


There were a number of problems I had with the ending scenes and the episode as a whole. First off why would Eric keep silver chains in his own club. Do the werewolves keep silver bullets behind the cash register at their bar? Way too much Sam and Tara. We get it Sam you're drunk. Tara you're still a train wreck. Go fuk off camera please. Way too much time spent on the conversation between Hoyt's mom and Summer. Eric shares a moment with Pam before stepping outside and he points out that she is crying. She tells him its "the bleeds," but I didn't see any blood. In fact it was a clear tear she shed.
Proof was when she wipes her face there was no smudge. We all no when vampires wipe away their tears, the blood smudges. Later on as she watched Eric walk into the sunlight we see her correctly crying blood as well as suffering from the bleeds out her nose. Lastly when Eric puts the silver handcuffs on Russel, how is he able to take them out, first place them on his own wrist, then Russel's, without so much as a wince of pain.

What saved the end for me though was the bond and love between Eric and Pam. It's so much more legitimate and believable than the bubble gum love Sam and Sookie display when they talk about a life together while driving in her car. Pam stole the show this week from her opening fight with Bill...









to the her tender moments with Eric.

Sookie talked about how she saw a different side of Eric when Godric died on that roof. We see it again as he says his goodbyes to Pam. "Fuckin fairies...who knew?" Russel steps out into the sun saying goodbye to thousands of years of only night only to be trapped by Eric. He tells Russel to be brave and they will die together.
Is this the end for Eric? Surely Russel gets got, but was Pam not letting bill feed Sookie for some predetermined reason? Does Jessica have to kill Hoyt's mom in order to save herself? Or does Hoyt take a bullet to save Jessica, dying by his own mother's hand. Does his mom quote Cliff Huxtable and tell him, "Hoyt, I brought you into this world, and I'll take you out!" Does Jason end up stopping Kitch from breaking his record? Perhaps he tells the LSU coach about his V habit. Although I'm sure that's not the worst thing LSU's players are doing these days.
Imagine how good our own Mutedric would have been with a little V on game day.
Does Tommy rob Sam blind and sail away on his yacht with Natalie to Ibiza. Or better yet he meets up with Yvetta. Does Arlene's baby come out wearing a reflector vest sporting a goatee and a machete? Where is Alcide? Do Jason and Crystal save the community of Hotshot? I really don't know where they are going to leave us in two weeks, but I am excited to hear what you all think.

LET ME IN

Let Me In Trailer - Watch more Movie Trailers

With only two episodes left we are going to be looking for something to fill our lust for the True Blood in the coming months. Amongst a deluge of vampire themed movies this one I came across is by far the best I've seen. Makes Twilight look like Bambi. The garbage bag mask is going to keep me up at nights.

POOKIE not SOOKIE

After my New Jack reference in this week's recap I couldn't help myself. Lafayette could have run Nino Brown out of the Carter with that V. As long as he wasn't getting high on his own supply like Pookie did.

BLAH BLAH, VAMPIRE EMERGENCY, BLAH

"I'm a fairy? How fuking lame."

Sookie finally learns what she really is and is underwhelmed. I mean who wouldn't be considering your kind is referred to as "The Old People" and are notorious sex offenders.

After Jason kills Franklin Tara tells him to dig. Jason digs for about 2 seconds then Tara kicks dirt over Franklin's remains while he throws the blood soaked clothes in his truck. Did this strike anyone else as weird? Was this some sort of burial? Or was this Tara just being crazy again? She hates Bill and I don't blame her. He didn't do a thing to help her out. Jason though is in for a whole new world of crazy now that he has told Tara that it was he who killed Eggs. She is going to have some choice words for Andy as well it looks like. Jason can't seem to win and when Bill returns to find Sookie gone he tells Jason he has let him down. Jason has had enough.
He backs Bill off and tells him to get the fuk out of his house and slams the door shut. Great scene by Jason. Bill is forced to leave against his will. "Yeah Sookie told me all about this." Loved to see him fight back like that and trade off his lows.
Sam still reeling from his fight in the bar flashes back to a time when he was a jewel thief. His partner in crime Charlene turns out to be the female "Sawyer" from LOST and double crosses him but not before she tries to find out how Sam gets through all the alarm systems. She finds out eventually when Sam uses his shifting ability to sneak up on her and her boyfriend. Sam gets the drop on them in the buck and ends up killing them both during a struggle. Her shooting was an accident but he straight up smokes the other dude in the back of the head. Like when Keisha takes out Rastaman in "New Jack City"...Rocka Bye Baby!
Boo Hoo Sam you got hustled. You got your money back and a new pair of pants. That's a pretty good day in my book.

While Sam is off walking down dysfunctional memory lane, Laffa heals a thankless Calvin and comments that he and Crystal are a "whole new dimension of trash." Calvin tells Crystal she does not have to love Felton but it is her duty to bare his children to keep the blood lines going. She is not supposed to mix with the likes of Jason.
We eventually see her for what she is when Jason comes into his room and finds a Sex Panther sitting on his rug. Crystal changes from a cat to FOX and all Jason can say is "Mama." I thought this was the best Crystal has looked all season. She finally has a scene where she isn't sporting a fat lip or a shiner. Is it weird that I kept staring at my cat Oshi last night, waiting for her to change into a hot blonde?




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Jesus and Laffa have their own "Oh mama" moment when they skip juice and pancakes and jump right into the V. We learn that the V affects everyone differently which answers some questions people posed as to why those who tried V didn't get all psychedelic like Jason did. Well Laffa and Jesus sure felt the effects of the high and went on a whirlwind ride through the spirit world. Kept reminding me of the Cypress Hill "Insane in the Brain" video. Sh-t was definitely LocoI was waiting to see Lou Diamond Phillips a.k.a. Chevez Y Chevez from "Young Guns" pop up. Jesus and Laffa have similar familial pasts full of shamans and sorcerers. Jesus's grandfather practiced the dark arts and had big plans for him. His mother hid him away it sounded like and this is why he is so into the protective gods like Jobu and friends. I wonder if that thing we saw in the scenes for next week is him.



My man Hoyt is not into pet names so he ditches Betty Crocker and goes back to Jessica and professes his love once again. Jessica though balks at his advance. Upset he leaves the bar only to have Tommy come out and rub it in. He drops Tommy with one punch but then Tommy shifts and mauls him. Jessica comes to her senses in time to run after Hoyt and see her love being attacked. She puts Tommy trough the uprights and makes Hoyt drink her blood so he can heal. Very intense and awesome.

Tommy looks on like Carl Spackler from the bushes. "Pay no attention to that bush, it's just a bush."



Russel, the Jeffrey Dahmer of the vampire community has set a wave of anti vampire sentiment in motion as we see Bill and Jessica tormented by vandals. Jessica wants to go after them but Bill tells her that she needs to show restraint. Jessica really teeters on the edge of self control and is coming to grips with her urges and what kind of vampire she wants to be. And yes Tommy, I also think her fangs are HOT.


Arlene had the fear of death put into her by Jessica, but she is still more terrified of bringing this baby into the world. She seeks out Holly for some "smushsmortion" juice. I liked when Sam told her his house rules for Merlotte's, "No dancing and No Religion." That Wicken B and her buck teeth freak me out.


Russel picks up Tony on the streets and goes back to his hovel where he pretends to be laying with Talbot. He apologizes and says he will never forgive himself for letting him be so alone at the end. It's one thing to face eternity without him but to not have been there with him at the true death was terrible. He recreates Talbot's death sequence in a way by staking Tony. He tells "Talbot" that he saved him from the world...from himself. He was a fool to trust Eric. He takes solace though in the thought that through this weird recreation and sacrifice he had his chance to say goodbye. Very touching scene albeit in a very morbid and homoerotic fashion. So much love and also so much information. Will he get rid of the jar now or will it go on the mantel like Jack Byrnes's mom. And now we'll meet in Hell, And I shall see you, Nevermore, nevermore, nevermore.


Big episode for Eric. We see him preparing for the likely True Death at Russel's hands by making out his Last Will and Testament. Highlight was when he had to have Yvetta come and sign as a witness. She is pissed that she is getting cut out and Eric sets the record straight as only he can.













Pam is also pissed but for the opposite reason. She doesn't want his windy sh-t hole of a farm. Pam wants Eric to give Sookie to Russel and stop making out with the solution instead of using it. "Your lack of sentiment has always been your most admirable quality do not disappoint me now." Eric's cold delivery was back in force this week. And Pam was a treat as always. "Blah, blah, Vampire Emergency, blah."
Eric once again is featured in Sookie's dream where he tells her again not to trust Bill. He tells her it's her survival instinct kicking in. Well Eric's survival instinct kicks in and he takes the same advice he gave Pam about staying true to form. We see the heartless Eric once again as he throws Sookie over his shoulder and chains her up in the basement of Fangtasia.
In the scenes for next week we see Eric confronting Russel, then Eric in the sunlight and lastly Russel feeding on Sookie. I think Eric has found a way to kill Russel thanks to the pleading and advice from the lovely Pam. Eric is going to use Sookie as bait. He was told by Bill that the effects of the blood only last a few minutes and then you burn. Eric checks it out for himself then I think he tells Russel that Sookie's blood allows vampires to walk in the daylight. Lured in by his curiosity and knowing that the Queen has been keen on Sookie for some reason, Russel feeds on her and goes out into the sun light without knowing the truth about the blood's brief lasting power. Poof Russel goes out like Godrick and Eric is king.
So pumped for...